October 27th - Me & Money

I do have a funny relationship with money and it's something I've been thinking about recently. I have memories growing up of never wanting to ask my parents for money ... the example that always jumps out is dreading to ask my mom for the cheque for ballet. And I honestly don't know why I had this feeling – it was never anything they did – they were always very supportive and happily wrote the cheque – it was entirely in my head. And somehow it is still linked to my current attitude with money ... I know I can be cheap – and here, especially in the second term, I've gotten very cheap ... almost as if it is a contest to see how cheaply and by default simply I can live? It's like I don't need anything more than the very basics – breakfast out, quick internet sync, dinner of dal, rice and a veggie and a cup of tea after. I don't feel the need to buy the different nice beans or the dessert or the chilis or extras and wouldn't if it was just me. And when others do, I have this momentary – why?? Is it really necessary?? And then I try the chick peas ... and I enjoy them and the variety from the usual dal ... and the chutney is tasty ... and I certainly don't turn down the sweets for dessert ... so why do I have even the momentary thought of why? I don't know. And the irony, what became the after dinner ritual with both Richard and Gavin and Laura of after dinner tea and sweets, I really enjoyed and wouldn't have changed. I didn't need it but I enjoyed it.

Some of it is about control – and reinforced with my budget and how I'm tracking my spending (yup – xls file with many tabs and some might say, a slightly excessive level of detail ...) but control of what, again I'm not sure. Watching my spending has also been interesting – definitely providing more restraint and some good questioning of what do I really need ... yes, I can live simply and I do not need a lot. And at the same time, I don't want to give a false impression of me and austerity ... my mother taught me the important lesson of buying quality ... and I do like nice things, as my shoe collection will testify. Money sainthood does not live here. And it is a good thing to be more conscious of my money – something I've avoided in the past – so something definitely to take forward – and at the same time, try and understand a few more of the whys in what I do ...

Another money related thing I've found disconcerting in India has been feeling like I need to stay alert to getting taken advantage of ... whether it's a creative attempt to get another 50 rupees a night for the room I was in the first term, or the rapidly disappearing soap or rice ... it doesn't help my trust ... and my instinct goes to start with suspicion, which is often not proved valid ... and so why not start with assuming the best? Even if proved otherwise, how much is it really – and isn't it worth it? And yet, I have this visceral, blood boiling reaction when I think I'm being taken advantage of ... but what does it really give me? How much is it really? Again, how do I want to live my life? It's my choice, and the answer when put like that is easy ... with more generosity and with the ability to ask for what I want – financial or otherwise.