November 8th - I'm Really, Really Happy

To coin one of my phrases, today was truly lovely. All day I've felt happy – I've had this smile – almost like a secret smile between me and the world. With the one exception of talking to Expedia where I got annoyed and hung up ... clearly, still need to work on the anger thing – and I think the trick is in my approach – how do I start the conversation? Am I expecting to be annoyed or optimistic that they want to and will be able to help me? Laura provided me with a real reminder of the power of approach – she goes in assuming the best and people respond – it's a positive place to be. She and I had dinner on our own tonight as Gavin was out with the other teachers – and we shared our usual laughs.

Afterward, I realized just how happy I was – the only expression I could come up with was 'I am in love with life' – and it does honestly feel that way. It is a real feeling, in my chest, in my heart. Before when I've felt anxious, I get this 'pit' feeling above my stomach right below my rib cage. But this is a full feeling right in my chest – in my heart – a sense of expansion. I'm sure some of this is due to all the yoga 'pudding' I've been dining out on these last 7 weeks (Rajiv's expression for the good feeling you can get from yoga, the science). And I honestly believe it is more than that – an ease, a contentment, an openness, a joyfulness - that's the word – I feel joy – I'm laughing out loud – I'm happy, really, really happy. And I feel open to the possibilities of the future and I believe in the possibilities of the future. I have emotion in my throat and tears in my eyes as I write this. As I said, I'm in love with life.

I was in Bali last November and I had a very strange experience towards the end of my time there. I met a man, Indian man actually, in an internet cafe and we started chatting – it went from simple discussion of the web to him reading my hand ... He was very intuitive and correct on a number of things in my past and present but with regards to my future, he wasn't optimistic. The basic message seemed to be that I had to do something radically different and soon or I was not going to have a happy life – I would continue down the path I was on – and prior to that year, in truth, I hadn't been really, really happy. I only told one person about this experience – I just locked it away and haven't thought about it until just now. It is only as I reflect on where I am now that I wonder – have I done enough? have I changed enough? will my future be different than he predicted? You can gufaw and chuckle and think what a load of huey ... and 9 times out of 10 I'd be right there with you ... but now, the way I'm feeling right now, I think I have – I see a path of where I want to go, how I want to live my life, what I want to feel – it will take work and effort for me to get there and I have no doubt, it will be hard at times. But I'm ready – I know I'm ready to be really happy – and I know the effort is worth it. Bring on my life.