May 16th - I Miss My Blog

I've been missing my blog for a while now .... and so I'm going to try and get back into it, albeit differently than what I was doing before.

I started my blog a year ago when I embarked on my great adventure ... or 'life of reily' as I came to call it at the end ... in the beginning, it was a way to keep my family and friends updated on where I was and what I was doing. It then evolved into my diary, out there for all the world to see, where it wasn't just what I was doing and seeing but how I was feeling and what I was learning about myself. And for technical reasons (not always on line) as well as writing style (I edit a lot), I found that I would fall behind and then need to catch up, so I was posting in batches, almost like chapters of my story. It had it's pluses - I could work for a couple of hours on the roof of the yoga studio in India - but also some minuses - I lost a sense of immediacy with what I was feeling vs. when I was posting and feeling like I couldn't write about today because I had to first finish and post what happened 3 weeks ago.

Having said all that, I did well and captured almost all of my trip .... but then, I arrived back in Vancouver December 2nd and haven't posted anything since. It's been hard (in this and many other things) to integrate the new habits I had formed while on the road into my old habits that just seemed to instinctively back spring to life as soon as I got off the plane. But I've thought about my blog often, especially at the beginning, and now again recently, so I'm going to give it another go.

What's inspired me? Yesterday I had coffee with a friend from high school who I hadn't seen in 25 years ... it was great! We had completely lost touch until a few years ago when we became friends on Facebook and all of a sudden I had a glimpse into her life and she into mine. She still had the same great ironic sense of humour, I love seeing the pictures of her kids and what was really wonderful, was to see her living a life professionally that was so completely in tune with her passions from when she was younger. (I truly admire people who have been able to do that - realize the dreams and passions from their youth.) One of the things we have in common now is that we've both been blogging - though she, much more regularly than I! Talking about it with her made me realize again just how much I've missed it. And she shared with me how she does it - dedicates a period of time and forces herself to write on line - just write it, edit a little and post.

So here goes ... It maybe a little disjointed as while I want to try and post 'in the moment', I also do want to 'catch up' on what I've experienced these last 6 months - I'm not sure if that will be via 'retroactive' postings or reflections ... we'll just have to wait and see!

In the meantime, I'm posting this live and I have to say, it's nice to be back!

November 11th - Perfect Last Days In India

Normally, when I'm close to leaving a place, my mind goes into accelerated forward planning mode: when will I pack, how long will it take, when am I scheduled to leave, what will I do my last day and when – almost down to 30 minute increments. Basically, way, way, way to much in the future in my head ... and I miss out on actually enjoying the time I have left in a place. This time however, about a week before leaving, I decided to just try and be and fully enjoy the last week – I had the taxi and train booked and by now, I pack quick, so really what else was there – so I continued on present in my lovely Rajpur life and haven't thought ahead – and it's been wonderful.

When it got down to my last two days – and I was surprised to realize it – I also decided to keep my routine 'normal' right to the end – I could have gone into town and done some gift shopping (sorry guys ...) or had a last meal out or seen a temple I hadn't yet visited but that wasn't the energy I wanted. I wanted to enjoy the peace and serenity of this quiet life for as long as humanly possible.

So the second to last day was a last class with Swati – a great class and the back bends had me feeling particularly alive after! Followed by breakfast at Amdo's – it was a larger group than normal – nice but almost a little forced – not as relaxed as it's been when it was a smaller number of regulars there catching up on the class and the day. A little internet time and then – to the roof! My favorite writing spot is the pergola on top of the yoga studio – it is like sitting on top of the flowers of the garden, surrounded by the hills and the most beautiful breeze wafts in. Then practice – I've found a practice while here – I go and depending on what else I've done that day, my mood, the right practice seems to come to me / flow. I still have a huge amount to explore and grow with it and I'm very happy to be at this point as I leave. Then Laura and I wandered down the main Rajpur road – we had some errands (sweets and samosas) and also a little shoe shopping to do (even in India I can find shoe shopping!) and had the most lovely (written just for her ...) time – she has this lovely light, bright energy and we laugh a lot. A final relaxed dinner with Gavin and Laura, some writing and bed – the back pack still in it's corner.

The last day and in some ways it doesn't feel like I'm leaving at all – in other ways, I'm good to go. We had a great class with Rajiv this morning – he was at his inspirational best – yoga is about finding the light within and I do glimpse it – a final shavasana like trikonasana that had us all in a very special place at the end. I then had a lovely treat – breakfast in one of the other houses – it was a beautiful spot with a quiet garden amongst fields with flowers and the hills. It turned into a few relaxed hours of good conversation in the sun – and as I realized it was my last day in the sun (I've been in the warm sun everyday since the beginning of May and next stop is London in November) I risked overstaying my welcome to soak it up - literally! A final practice – distracted with people coming and going to say goodbye – a final sync at the internet, a final samosa and chai and a lovely final dinner with Gavin and Laura – Laura and I had the giggles – and poor Gavin, looking at the two of us 'vatas' and our 'lightness' – he said it was like watching two helium balloons float off in the ether ... I've been incredibly lucky with housemates and I will miss the dinners!

I saw Gavin and Laura off, made a final cup of tea, sat and enjoyed the last of the candles, looking at the sky and was just grateful – very, very grateful. I had no idea coming what this experience would bring me and it just surpassed my expectations in all possible ways. I have this joy inside and a full heart – and now maybe, I'm just ridiculously blissed out on 7 weeks of yoga and pranyama (entirely possible) but it's more than that. I feel love. Love for everything – the sky, the animals, the people I've met – a love to be alive and living this incredible life – my inner effulgence is I think what Rajiv would call it ... so a few tears – happy ones – and now I am looking at all the stuff in my cupboard and my empty back pack ... time for Kleenex, some music, a little dancing round the room and packing up ... then on to my next port of call.

November 9th - Vata, Pita, Kapha ... What Am I?

For this second course, we've been studying Ayurveda as well as yoga. Ayurveda is the ancient Indian medical science – a sister science to yoga - and another that Patanjali was one of the first to document over 5,000 years ago. So for the first half of the course, Rajiv has been introducing Indian philosophy and the basics of Ayurveda to us – it's been fascinating and thankfully we're staying high level so I think I'm getting it ... For the second half, we've had an Ayurvedic Dr. here who has taken us a level deeper (I'm trying to keep it simple, but it's incredibly complicated ... learn a little, think I understand, learn more and get really confused ... apparently an essential part of learning ... and in which case, I'm on the path to great learning ...)

So what is it? My simplification – at an incredibly crude level – there are three 'types' which describe personality, traits, body type etc. and everyone is composed of elements of all three but will have one or two of the types be dominant. The very basic definitions – Vata: cold, light and airy; Pita: hot, firy and medium; and Kapha: cold, heavy and solid. And then the challenge is to be in balance with your individual mix of the three types – with what you eat being a key contributor to finding that balance – and being in balance, helping to prevent disease. There is a lot of the science that is resonating with me ... such as how, when disease is present, it attacks the weakest parts of the body and that is where symptoms come up – but they can be quite distinct from the disease ... so when diagnosing, the trick is to identify the underlying disease to be able to 'turn that facet off' of what ever is creating the disease versus simply treating the symptom.

The Dr. is also doing personal consultations with each of us – mine was today and it was fascinating ... he read my pulse for a long time ... so long, I half wondered if he could find it ... then intuitively he knew where my weak points were (thought I'd had an accident in my lower back). And then the diagnosis ... Vata followed by Kapha – I was surprised as I had expected Kapha Vata – others weren't surprised at all ... In many ways they are most opposite – airy, quick, lite versus slow, steady, solid – but it actually helps explain some of my dichotomies (of which I have a number ...). What really helped was understanding the link between the two types combined with the impact of food. I am in balance as Vata, but it is easy for me to go out of balance (which makes sense) and when that happens it is my Kapha being aggravated (I think ...). So he kept saying I needed to be careful with what I eat – the advantage of Vata Kapha is I can eat pretty much anything – but it is how moderately I eat it ... and my relationship with food can be summarized well by the expression, “when I'm good, I'm very good but when I'm bad, I'm just awful ... :-) The yoga and exercise are also critical (which I also know) – his rule, yoga/exercise in the morning, or I'm not allowed lunch ... and I know that when I eat well and exercise I feel good – and doing the one encourages the other. When I'm not feeling as well – or in balance – then my bad eating habits come out, I lose energy in exercise and the spiral starts to tilt down. There is also a link with the types and the seasons ... also something I've experienced – I often naturally do well in the fall (when Vata dominates) and it's easier for me to be out of balance in the winter (when Kapha dominates) ... For me, the question will be this winter and how I'm able to get through it – I already knew this was going to be my test and hopefully now I have a few more tools to help me successfully go through it. The links that I knew intuitively are now more concrete, which somehow makes it more tangible and manageable. I feel much more confident.

And then when we would get confused, the Dr. and Rajiv would come back to their net, net ... eat when you're hungry, drink when you're thirsty and sleep when you're tired – and of course, when they say this, the food is healthy and the drink is water ... :-)

November 8th - I'm Really, Really Happy

To coin one of my phrases, today was truly lovely. All day I've felt happy – I've had this smile – almost like a secret smile between me and the world. With the one exception of talking to Expedia where I got annoyed and hung up ... clearly, still need to work on the anger thing – and I think the trick is in my approach – how do I start the conversation? Am I expecting to be annoyed or optimistic that they want to and will be able to help me? Laura provided me with a real reminder of the power of approach – she goes in assuming the best and people respond – it's a positive place to be. She and I had dinner on our own tonight as Gavin was out with the other teachers – and we shared our usual laughs.

Afterward, I realized just how happy I was – the only expression I could come up with was 'I am in love with life' – and it does honestly feel that way. It is a real feeling, in my chest, in my heart. Before when I've felt anxious, I get this 'pit' feeling above my stomach right below my rib cage. But this is a full feeling right in my chest – in my heart – a sense of expansion. I'm sure some of this is due to all the yoga 'pudding' I've been dining out on these last 7 weeks (Rajiv's expression for the good feeling you can get from yoga, the science). And I honestly believe it is more than that – an ease, a contentment, an openness, a joyfulness - that's the word – I feel joy – I'm laughing out loud – I'm happy, really, really happy. And I feel open to the possibilities of the future and I believe in the possibilities of the future. I have emotion in my throat and tears in my eyes as I write this. As I said, I'm in love with life.

I was in Bali last November and I had a very strange experience towards the end of my time there. I met a man, Indian man actually, in an internet cafe and we started chatting – it went from simple discussion of the web to him reading my hand ... He was very intuitive and correct on a number of things in my past and present but with regards to my future, he wasn't optimistic. The basic message seemed to be that I had to do something radically different and soon or I was not going to have a happy life – I would continue down the path I was on – and prior to that year, in truth, I hadn't been really, really happy. I only told one person about this experience – I just locked it away and haven't thought about it until just now. It is only as I reflect on where I am now that I wonder – have I done enough? have I changed enough? will my future be different than he predicted? You can gufaw and chuckle and think what a load of huey ... and 9 times out of 10 I'd be right there with you ... but now, the way I'm feeling right now, I think I have – I see a path of where I want to go, how I want to live my life, what I want to feel – it will take work and effort for me to get there and I have no doubt, it will be hard at times. But I'm ready – I know I'm ready to be really happy – and I know the effort is worth it. Bring on my life.

November 6th - I Swam In The Ganga ... A Great 'Day Out'

Today took me back to elementary school – we had a 'field trip' ... the day started at 6.15am, loaded up into two buses with our 'bus leaders' ... and we were off. First stop – a temple, up, at the very top (5,000 ft approx.) of a long twisty road on a hill above Rishikesh – with amazing views of the Himalayas – again, wow. The only slight hiccup ... no washrooms ... and I was desperate ... so with a kind look out service, I found a bush – very happy, until I pulled my clothes up ... and realized I had a bottom full of thorns ... literally ... in all layers of clothing, everywhere ... the lesson, look behind as well as in front ... :-)

Then to Rishikesh itself ... and swimming ... the town is right on the Ganga and above the town, the water is incredibly clear so off we went ... we found a spot on a beautiful bit of the river, clear blue green water with amazing sand – soft and white. A few of the guys were right in and another woman and I wanted to go in ... however, custom dictated we be fully clothed ... and neither of us had brought extra bottoms ... agh because for some reason, I really wanted to go in ... but with a little creative borrowing, we solved the problem and I had the most amazing 5 minutes in the river. For cold water, I am normally a dip your toe in kind of gal and go in, if at all, very slowly, an inch at a time – but here, I was in, in 10 seconds flat and happy as a clam! Unfortunately, we were short on time so it was a very quick dip, change and then we were off. But – again, wow – just an amazing experience! I could have happily spent the day just there – I will be back.

Late, we then rushed through Rishikesh to our second stop ... only to discover that we had an hour there. Rishikesh is the mecca for yoga with what seemed like every second building offering classes or teacher training. So there was lots of explore and I had absolutely no desire. The town is definitely smaller and more manageable than others but there are also more 'touts' – all wanting you to buy something and not taking a polite no for an answer – my least favorite energy. The streets were busy and there were a remarkable number of other westerners – so while I'm sure you can find the quieter parts of the town and hang out, I was glad I'd made my earlier decision not to come between courses. Instead a few of us found a cup of tea and a few minutes of peace before realizing we were late again and boogying off to meet the bus. We were on a definite schedule – but the next stop was key ... lunch - we'd been warned there would just one meal and by then, it was early afternoon and I (and I have to believe everyone) was starved. The lunch didn't disappoint – delicious – two helpings nicely satisfied my craving for palak paneer before I leave :-) and then a lovely musical interlude in a garden on the banks of the Ganga – hard to go wrong.

Our final destination was Haridwar – first up a gondola to some temples, one of which was for Hanuman, the god of breath – just a little relevant for yoga ... I had a blessing and it was special – I don't know why exactly but it was, I felt something. Then it was a repeat of the sunset puja I'd seen before ... though somehow after 7 weeks in India I could appreciate it much more. And at the same time, money came back into play ... I had a small basket of flowers to offer and so you're meant to go put your basket (with a candle and 2 sticks of incense burning) in the river – but then these guys take you down and ask questions as if to bless or pray with you and then say, just as you're about to put the flower in ... minimum 100 or 200 rupees ... huh??? I didn't have any small money e.g. 10 or 20 rupees so I said I had no money – needless to say, the guy wasn't particularly happy but at least he left me alone. And so I did get a chance to offer my private prayer and send the flowers off. It was cool.

It was an absolutely action packed ,whirlwind of a day – brilliant stops and so very different experiences all crammed in. A final bus ride home with more songs and the perfect end to a really lovely day. Thank you Rajiv and Swati.

November 2nd - Susan vs. Sue

Growing up and with my family I was always Susan ... except for one brother to whom I've long been Sue (I can still see the poster he did for me when I was reluctantly running for student council president – very simply ... Vote for Sue ...) Then in university, through one friend I met the first week, I became Sue – and then in London, my first friends were from university, so I was Sue socially. I've always been Susan at work – except for one manager to whom I became Sue naturally. Back in Vancouver I was Susan – though ever since my niece and nephew were born, I've been Auntie Sue (my favorite title – and Auntie Susan? Nope, not me ...) and so now increasingly I'm Sue with the rest of my family ... except for my mother ... I've never been Suzy or Suzy-Q ... and if you know me, it's pretty clear why ... though I'm Suz to an Uncle who can get away with it :-)

At this point, by all rights you will be wondering – just how schizophrenic am I ... I'm not honest ... but I have been wondering over the last year, just what is in a name? I was Susan in Africa and seriously considered introducing myself as Sue in India ... almost to test the theory – which name am I? But missing orientation killed that idea as I then just instinctively introduced myself as Susan. But then naturally, I became Sue to a few people here.

I like being called Sue – it is more informal and in many ways more me right now – will I ever introduce myself as Sue, I'm still not sure – but I do like and appreciate it when people call me that – it's almost like they see a little more of the real me ... either that or they just like giving people nicknames :-) Though with my French friends I'll stick with Susan – sounds much nicer than Sue with the accent! And then I wonder, to what extent does it matter? Does it need to be one or the other? The answer to both - not much and no ... Other than keeping straight who I am when sending emails, any name is good ... other than maybe 'hey you' ...

So really what is in a name? If nothing else, hopefully a slightly amusing blog post ... :-)

October 31st - This Yog Is For Me

I do agree with Rajiv – though as he would say, it is not a question of agreeing but simply of understanding fact – yog is about personal transformation. I started five years ago for the body – I wanted to get in better shape and needed something that would help give me balance. And it was the perfect excuse for the weekly Saturday brunch with a very good friend that followed :-) Over the first couple of years, the yoga shifted from being about brunch to actually being about the yoga and then two years ago, I realized I wanted to find the ever illusive 'quiet mind'.

One of Rajiv's topics for today's asana class was ease ... and the example of the older woman who may look 40 from the front but 90 from behind ... and as he say's “that's after the facelift but before they start botox ...” The message is clear – we need to be at ease with our age and our bodies and in our lives. And I am increasingly finding that ease ... I am more calm ... and it is lovely.

Not always though ... like when I get to be Swati's example of what not to do in an asana, then my ego is definitely alive and kicking, together with my pride for my teachers at home – they don't deserve the “this is the problem with how you are being taught in the west” label ... as I say about this blog, this reflects only me, not anyone else ... and yet I feel like I am letting them down ... that need to please, pride, ego, recognition ... all normal human emotions ... and yet I am so much happier when I can let them go ... and truly be at ease. The good news, I'm becoming more present and aware of when I'm not at ease ... when I've been in an ugh, ugh, ugh moment, and I tell my self to breath – just breath and try to find the calm in the breath, remarkably enough I found it, felt calmer and again, more at ease. So how do I keep this sense of ease outside of Rajpur? One of Rajiv's other lessons is how the mind is hungry for inputs – and in our search for the quiet mind, a fundamental tool is how we control what is 'input' – through all 5 of the our senses. Something I completely get - and prompts good questions for life at home ...

So I'm definitely feeling on this path of transformation, and I have to thank both Swati and Rajiv, but especially Rajiv. Why? Well, I've started typing this sentence 5 times ... how do I summarize Rajiv? ... dedicated – yes, opinionated - yes, single minded – absolutely, open – not always, passionate – without a doubt, belief in what he's teaching and it's importance – unquestioned. I've so enjoyed his classes – this mixture of asana and talks – always with a message, inevitably an expression I wish I could remember afterward and so often these pearls of wisdom that I reflect on further. I've also learned from Gavin just how much his teaching is based on that of Prashant (Mr. Iyengar's son) whereas Swati teaching is based on Geeta's (Mr. Iyengar's daughter). Geeta has taken the precision of Mr. Iyengar's work forward whereas Prashant's focus is more philosophical and strongly incorporates the breath. Unfortunately it seems that many western teachers, and often women, gravitate to Geeta's style – and I've seen it myself in that most teacher's I've had mention Geeta but I've rarely if ever heard Prashant mentioned. I'm hoping that changes because while the teaching of Geeta is critical, it is Prashant's, through Rajiv, which I've found most illustrative and transformative.

So why the heading for this blog? Prior to this retreat, people have asked me if I want to teach yoga and I haven't been sure – it didn't jump out at me but I didn't discount it either. I said that I thought this course would help me answer that question. There are aspects of teaching that I enjoy – I do tend to study the yoga – my way of practicing – but it is not my passion in the way it is for the teachers I respect – and the way I discovered in Africa that math is for me. I get a huge amount out of yoga personally but I don't get nearly as excited by it as I do explaining multiplication or quadratic equations (crazy I know ...) – and I know to be a good teacher, which of course is what I'd want to be, I need to have a passion for what I teach. So I think that answers that question – this yog is for me, for my ongoing personal journey and transformation. To help me live the kind of life I want to live and be the person I want to be. To live my live with grace, gratitude, generosity, openness and love. And I'm very happy with it this way.